Media Coverage
You Can Take That Bully Down, Gently
By: Kerry Hannon
Who hasn't had to battle a bully?
Bullies, Tyrants & Impossible People: How to Beat Them Without Joining Them offers coping strategies. The underlying advice: Keep cool. "Difficult people tend to act in ways that cause us to react," they write. "By definition, reacting means we have lost control." Save your emotions for happy weddings and sad movies, they advise. (Excerpt: 'Bullies, Tyrants, and Impossible People')
Among strategies:
• When you're under attack, stay focused on the issue at hand. Take a deep breath or several of them. Move the conversation to a different location. Take a slow sip of water. Ask a question. Anything you can do to break the momentum will help put you back in control.
• Ease the tension by relaxing your shoulders and smiling. Try the "finger-on-the-lip" habit that Jankowski uses when he's provoked. "It makes me literally close my mouth and pause," he writes. "To anyone else, it just looks like I'm thinking — which I am. I am thinking about not saying something stupid or inflammatory."
• Switch the tape in your head from an insecure voice that whispers, "I hate confrontation. ... I don't belong here" to one that is pumping positive mantras such as, "I can handle this situation. ... I'm ready. ... I'm good at what I do."
The authors identify three types of difficult people. There are those who are difficult because something happened that disrupted their day. Others think being difficult helps them get what they want. Finally, some people are simply that way deep in their persona. It's important to know which kind you are dealing with, they write, to get what you want.
Difficult people have an arsenal of tactics to get to you. They might intimidate you with silence. They might tell you things that may or may not be true to make you suspicious. They might have sudden outbursts that throw you off guard. No matter what they pull on you, the result is the same. You feel powerless. And you, in turn, tacitly accept that they have the power to bully you. You give them permission.
While you can't control the emotions or actions of the bully or tyrant, you can control the encounter, according to the authors.
One way is to diffuse the situation by empathizing. Say things like "I can see why you would feel that." You can ask the person to help you understand what the situation is, or say that you want to try to find a way to work things out.
It's imperative in any run-in with a difficult person that you make a solid connection with them. That means: Establish eye contact, use the person's name, pay attention to what he or she is saying.
"Good listening requires that you slow yourself down; open your mind to opposing views; and then, rather than blurting the first thing that comes to mind, contemplate, deliberate, and reflect before you speak," Shapiro and Jankowski coach.
And never forget the power of offering options when you come to an impasse. "Difficult people are often people trying to gain or maintain control of a circumstance," the authors write. "The more they fear losing control, the more entrenched they may become in their positions." Your job: Introduce ideas that make them feel as if they have the freedom to select and retain control.
One way to come up with those new options: Think up ways that will make the situation or deal a win for the other person. Step outside of yourself. Next, "Get your adversaries to see the situation through your eyes." You might even have to ask: "What would you do if you were on my side of the table?" In essence, you want to get the person to take a stroll in your moccasins, they suggest.
Don't expect the authors' tool kit to work on every occasion. There will be times when you have to walk away before a situation escalates. It's best to end an untenable situation without burning a bridge, because you never know when you might run into the person again, they counsel.
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